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Which dating apps are best for a newbie?
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I've officially decided it's time to join the digital dating bandwagon. I've been flying solo for a while now, and though I've never really given much thought to online dating, I reckon it's about time to see what it's all about. After all, what's the harm in trying, right?
I'm eyeing up a few options like Bumble, Hinge, and another niche one I came across called "Heartstrings." There's always Tinder, of course, though I've heard it's a bit hit or miss depending on what you're looking for. Given that I'm a 20-year-old guy in the UK, I'm curious if certain apps have a stronger presence or better success rate here.
I'm all for hearing
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I am dating a guy who is 8 or even 9. I wanna break up and start dating a guy who is 3, perhaps 4. Just so I know there wont be as many chances of him cheating on me. Am I being reasonable?
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Be honest please.
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I feel like that's probably too young.
Dating Prospects and Difficulties for an 8 Woman
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Do you find that people have a harder time being interested in you romantically as an 8 woman? Most of the men in particular that I've been around want someone softer and more docile feeling. When I was younger, it was a big source of insecurity. I had plenty of suitors and romantic options, but the people I felt more drawn to were always not after someone who could match their energy, but complement it, and usually the strong-headed types say they're after more of the stereotypically feminine types, like 2s and 9s for instance. Not that there's anything wrong with having preferences, but I see it so often and can't really understand why people crave comfort over the intimacy of someone matching your energy. My first thought is usually "fragile ego" and "mommy issues". Thoughts/experiences?
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I find it true. I'm simply not what anyone wants in a woman. I never get chosen, but frequently get battered down when I show my true self. Pushing 40 now and I've resigned myself to dying alone. It destroys me on so many levels as a sx-first. I wish I'd been born male and see no benefits to being female. It's all a very very sore spot for me.
Best and worst types of relationships' partners for you Eights. Also interested in the why.
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I've got many (many) relationships and I was wondering which patterns I could get from it.
It looks like my most serious relationships were with 1s mostly, good temper they didn't let me get ahead, morals that inspire me some times but mainly frustrates me and sex was awesome with all of them (but maybe all of this is because my dad is an 8 and my mom a 1, you know.. Oedipe hahaha)
I usually go well with 6s too, even tho I don't like being doubted on for too long once you get their love and loyalty, its for a while, even if the relationship ends, some of my best girl friends are 6s.
Even tho I had an exception, a great sexfriend relationship with a 4 for two years, I would say they are the worst partners for me, in which I mean despite all my efforts we were so different it was really hard to go along and cost me too much most of the time.
As this is going, I'll keep sharing my experiences with all types:
2s are great partners, if they are mature and give me space I need, I'm really fond of them.
3s, great at sex but its a bit hard for me to deal with the lies and pretending, easier when they are just friends tho. I felt a lot of undesired competition from them.
I only know two 5 girls that I find attractive despite not being my type physically, I have no insight about them in relationship with 8s. I like 5s in general.
7s are most of the time too much for me but they make great sex partners or even short term relationships.
8s, I m not sure I've ever met an 8 girl but I have this one ex who had a strong temper and the power to keep me in check, I loved it, the most horizontal relationship I had, but she was so emotional and it wasn't anger than I can't tell if she was an 8. I wish I met more 8 girls.
I didn't meet a lot of 9 girls, I'm sure we would go well along for a while but I feel like I would get bored quickly.
There you go, another thread of that kind but I'm both wondering and bored, so I hope some you will enjoy sharing their experiences.
Top Comment: All relationships take work. Each person of a particular type is different. A few factors that can't really be predicted and are case by case: sex drive (although for 8's it is stereotypically high) financial status personal physical/mental health lifestyle (hobbies/work) Otherwise here are the strong points/trouble spots 1s: 1's are passionate and have similar drive though for entirely different reasons. They share a different but similar viewpoint on justice. There can be commiseration on how messed up certain aspects of life are, and it's possible dependent on health that both will either be happy to just shake their head, or both will want an active role in changing something. Both 8's and 1's need to rest though, and neither does but for different reasons. We 8's also want to be able to fix whatever problems arise and often times, with the connection to 1, 1's create problems that cannot reasonably be fixed. 1's will want to see effort regardless, where as we 8's won't want to bother if it seems like a failed project from the start. There is shared stubbornness. But there are also different points of view and lessons to be learned here. In un-health 1's can take on an aura of personal victimization. The typical 8 response is negative both directions: either try to empower or detach. 2s: On average a 2-8 relationship is a bit like a self-righting ship. 8's need someone to force nurture on them and 2's will force nurture. 2's can ignore their own needs and 8's will make sure a 2's needs are met. However an 8 NEEDS their partner to feel loved and an unhealthy 2 can create impossible scenarios to "prove" love that go far out of bounds. 2's also test and violate boundaries often. The much needed nurture can come at a cost of manipulation. 2's can also have a chip on their shoulder. Both can have VERY unhealthy competitive drives. However there can be mutual inner child healing here. 3s: This will depend on the 3 and the 8. 3's are hyper competitive and will be willing to cheat/lie to win. 8's will be willing to win at any cost if that competitive drive is engaged. This creates an extremely damaging relationship. 8's want to be challenged but not in every sector of life. 8's and 3's also have an immense amount of drive. 8's typically last longer going at a slower pace where as 3's can keep an extremely high level of output going longer than any other type of I have seen. That can be either beneficial in combination or detrimental depending on circumstance and health. Both can burn each other out rapidly. 8's don't like the superficiality. 3's will often project insecurities on 8. The biggest issue I have seen is that many 8's don't like to be paraded around where as 3's want to be on display. 4s: Even in health this is a very passionate and intense relationship that has extreme ups and downs. Each can learn incredible amounts from one another and balance each other out. However 4's will often seek spaces to be stuck where as 8's will want to move forward even when it's unreasonable. 8's can help 4's accomplish where as 4's can help 8's engage in emotions. Mutual authenticity and a lack of care for tradition/rules is a big shared point. Both thrive on passion but have trouble keeping it balanced in different ways. This can be like a candle burning at both ends, an out of control fire or a steady hearthstone fire. 5s: The trouble with this one is getting the two together. 8's don't tend to take notice when energy isn't put out there and 5's tend to withhold energy. Beyond initial obstacles I would argue this is as close to an ideal pairing as you get. 8's will defend the 5's energy for them and encourage them to step out in their expertise. 5's can keep up with 8's mental energy and outshine/augment it in a way that 8's love. 5's can make everything the 8 does more efficient and impactful and 8's can provide the drive to make plans happen. 6s: 6's enjoy 8's being reliable leaders. However 8's can burn out when it is required that they lead all the time. 8s reduce 6's anxiety on average, however 8's don't believe in security or absolutes which can create complete chaos for a 6. 8s enjoy a bit of chaos here and there and 6's in some circumstances can thrive on the thrill of overcoming fear. A big problem spot is that the relationship can be static. Both enable the negative and positive aspects on either side which can make growth difficult and healthy relationships need growth. 7s: 7's are up for anything, which fits well with 8s but sometimes they violate their own boundaries to engage in activities which an 8 won't pick up on in many instances until it is too late. 7's also tend to test/violate boundaries of others in a way that is different from 8's and isn't generally appreciated. 8's tend to develop skills around dealing with absorbing others emotions (like a 2) and those aren't typically necessary with a 7 which can be refreshing. 7's match 8's bounce back from failure/hardship which can be both a detriment and a benefit. The biggest issue is 8's will want to resolve core issues, where as 7's will say they are resolved just to avoid confronting them. 8/8: Both will be fiercely dedicated to one another. Both will know what to expect. As long as things stay average/healthy everything is great. But if both dip unhealthy at the same time it is explosive and damaging in unparalleled ways both directions. 9s: 9's can balance out 8's drive. However 9's will also refuse to budge in certain circumstances which can be infuriating for an 8. 8's can draw up 9's problem spots which can help 9's engage in healthy conflict (which can be growing for a 9). But 8's drive can also exhaust and frustrate a 9. 8's will equally be frustrated by 9's unwillingness to mix things up or push into certain activities. The biggest issue is that the 8 will always be the one taking initiative to resolve problems, and the 9 will try to "Homer Simpson through bushes" as a default.
[28M] 8 years of unrequited love resulted in toxic shame that prevents me from forming relationships
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Background
8 years ago after ending a dysfunctional relationship that lasted 1.5 years, I fell in love with another girl in university. She had the same tastes in music like me, felt like I was talking to a best friend I never had while we hanged out and I thought she was like the same as me. She rejected me because I was a year younger than her. Although I didn't handle the rejection initially that bad, the fallout was terrible. I grew resentful of her, our friendship has broken and I treated her as a rival in my studies and future career. Since her presence gave me anxiety, I tried my best to avoid her and I also thought that she hated me. Most of my 20s was spent in misery and alcoholism. I had to endure her for 2 degree programs, a total of 5 years.
I haven't been in contact with her for 2-3 years. I spent that time by unproductively watching anime, Netflix and Youtube videos and going drinking to pubs with friends. Last straw was a binge drinking with my coworkers before COVID-19 hit the world where I broke down crying and told them that I cannot forget her and that "she did this to me".
I reached out to her after this and told everything, that I was sorry for hating her and the reason I was resentful and jealous of her successes is because I hated myself and viewed myself lesser than her. She told me that she never hated me, also talked about her own struggles with her unrequited love and bad relationships she was in and that she wishes me the best of luck. After that I felt guilt that I broke a friendship because of a misunderstanding and was sad that I could not rebuild my friendship with her. We are still friendly with each other, but talking with each other is not the same as before my confession to her years ago.
What I did to make myself better this year
- Read How to Fix a Broken Heart by Dr. Guy Winch and Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins. Researched on Google how unrequited love works, that rejections are not my fault, but it just means that the other person has different preferences. How limerence and crushes work. Since reaching out to her and talking with her, I realized that we have different life philosophies and different mindsets (even though she says otherwise), so realistically a relationship wouldn't have worked and that I was only in love with her idealized self.
- Started weightlifting again and following a healthy diet. I look more muscular, but I still have slight belly fat.
- Tried therapy, but left it after three sessions because I couldn't trust my therapist and her skills in helping me.
- Researched dating advice on Google and Reddit in case I would start dating again. Realized that acting like a friend first while liking someone and then confessing my love does not work in real life and that I'm too old to have crushes anymore. Also once I like someone, I'll have to know them and ask them out directly for a date within 1 month of time frame.
- Read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover, although I did identify being a Nice Guy back in 2017 while browsing r/niceguys and r/inceltears. I also plan to read Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson.
- Read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carneige, and I plan to read more books about social skills until the pandemic is over according to r/socialskills and this list. I started socializing back in January, but halted because of the pandemic. Although lockdown is being lifted in my country (Europe), I still have anxiety about leaving my house and unknowingly spreading the virus as an asymptomatic carrier.
Problem
A naive solution in my head and according to an online article to treat unrequited love was to start dating other people. Not to look for a rebound relationship or having expectations to look "for the One", but just talking with others for fun and to just see how other people are like and ease the memory of the girl that rejected me.
What I realized is that damaged people are attracted to damaged people, but healthy people are not attracted to damaged people. And Nice Guys are attracted to damaged people, because they can't believe that they can be loved by a healthy person. And here's the problem: because of her rejection and being bullied in childhood, I feel myself in shame and I cannot believe that anybody would be attracted to me. Someone told me that it was a mistake to be heartbroken for 8 years because "who knows how many girls went you by". I find that statement silly, because nobody was interested in me in all those years and I didn't even look for anyone. And since I'm a Nice Guy, I can't act near a woman in a flirty way that I spark attraction, because I feel ashamed for being attracted to someone. So the atmosphere would remain platonic and friend-like, which results in rejection. I can't imagine myself in love, because shame creeps in and the feeling that I don't deserve someone. And because of that, I wouldn't be able to let anyone close to me. No matter how many self-help books and internet articles I read, I can't help this. I feel myself in a deadlock.
I don't have any value to offer to the other person, other than I have a unique music taste and I'm playing an instrument. I'm thinking about changing to a better paying job and joining a music band to boost my confidence, but I fear that these are just moving the goalposts like "if I do this and that, then I can be more loveable". I also thought that because I'm inexperienced in relationships (only had one partner for 1.5 years back in senior high school and spent my whole 20s as single), a women my age could not afford any more fuckups in a relationship, and women my age would reject me anyway for someone older. So I thought maybe the best strategy is to date someone in their early 20s, even though I don't really have preference for younger girls because I would feel like a creep and a loser that cannot date a women her age. I also miss the past from my university where we were good friends with my crush and I want to fix the past by meeting up with her one last time after lockdowns as friends (she also wants to meet).
How to heal from shame? How to heal from the past? What to fix in my mindset? I'm planning to try therapy again, what should I say and what should I work on?
EDIT: Additional info
- I have a hobby (playing an instrument for 12 years)
- Own my own apartment
- Have a comfortably paying job
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